![]() Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.Ĭomments on this piece are premoderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. If you would like advice from Annalisa on a family matter, please send your problem to Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Maybe, for you, this fling was a way to get back in touch with who you were, or what you feel you are missing out on now.Įvery week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a family-related problem sent in by a reader. ![]() Can you remember how you communicated best in the early days? Do you have nonsexual needs that are not being met? People can feel they lose themselves after having children. It is so easy to stop doing this once children become the focus. You and your husband need to communicate, and Campbell strongly recommended that you and he make time for each other “not to have sex but to chat and reinvigorate your life together”. However, when clarity returns, if you are still unhappy you will need to address the issues in your marriage.Īffairs are often a distress flare sent up by one person when there is a problem for both partners. It doesn’t mean that you are going to be serially unfaithful. You ask, why now? I imagine it was a convergence of the right time, a person you found attractive and being away from home. Until you can see clearly, I wouldn’t make any rash decisions. ![]() It was impossible to tell if your marriage is in trouble, because your letter is so clouded by the headiness of your night with this man however, it did sound as if there is a lot to commend it. Don’t throw your life away for this fantasy.” “It’s hard to drum desire up in those circumstances and easy to beat yourself up about it. “We put pressure on ourselves to feel desired, but actually desire doesn’t go with the humdrum aspects of marriage and having small children,” Campbell explained. You are comparing your fling with the domesticity of your marriage – and that is not fair. Often, Campbell continued, “People think their lack of desire is the fault of the relationship they are in and blame that.” Yet it is often simply in a rut. After that, “regardless of your age or how much in love you are, desire is responsive and follows arousal, rather than occurring spontaneously”. She told me about a study by Rosemary Basson, a professor of sexual medicine, that found that 10 years was the maximum length of time “active desire” could stretch in a relationship for many people. I talked to psychotherapist Cate Campbell ( .uk), who specialises in relationships and has written two books about sex. You need to listen to the silence from him. Plus, you are married and he has made it obvious that he doesn’t want to see you. An experience like that can be exciting and heady but it’s not sustainable in the real world. I think your primary aim is to repeat that night, and I can understand why. I wouldn’t be against repeating the night, as well, but that is not my primary aim.īe honest with yourself and stop pretending you want to see this other man for work reasons. I feel I love him most of the time, but is that enough? I would love to contact this other man the next time I’m in his town, strictly in a professional capacity, but I’m scared he might say no. Where do I go from here? Leaving my husband fills me with dread. ) We were in love when we married, but after the children were born I felt I could have lived without sex. (Although the affair has unexpectedly boosted our intimacy. However, I’m not particularly attracted to him and go through the motions. Why did this affair happen when I had never been unfaithful before? We do quarrel, but have sex once or twice a week. The other issue is my relationship with my husband. I know he has two adult children and problems with his wife. I’m also sad that I perhaps misjudged him, and wonder if he isn’t such a lovely person.
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